I can’t handle it
Yesterday in the growth workshop I decided to look at my relationship to money. I have been trying to crack this tough nut for many years: in every business I have had everyone said I was sitting on a big mountain of money… but not actualizing much of it. 😦
So I set out to work on money… Asking: how come I don’t make as much money as I could… with what I have…
Of course I am the course leader, so I don’t have time to deal with my own sh-it, but now it is on the sheet… documented, and the table.
After the webinar I did some busy work, watched some old private eye show… went to bed, and fell asleep. I didn’t even want to do the healing work I was supposed to do… it seemed every fiber of my being wanted to not be conscious… sleep, blessed sleep.
At 2 am I woke up to feverish activity in the mind… it was so feverish and so insistent, I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up, got dressed. I made a cup of tea, sat down, and pondered.
I could hear a faint voice in my head, no, in my body: I can’t handle it.
Anything you do, anything you feel, all behavior, all emotions come from some words. Hearing the words is the key to get the actions conscious, to get the behavior conscious.
The voice I heard, ‘I can’t handle it’ explains almost everything in my life.
When who you are ‘I can’t handle it’, the way you avoid having to handle it is to avoid doing it altogether. I have been avoiding writing ‘real’ sales letters,… the way you make real money. No sales letter = no real money, or just a little bit. Alms.
Why not just do it? It is hard, and it needs my weakest capacity… as a dyslexic person I have a wicked hard time to organize stuff, put them in order, have a sequence. And that, a sequence is the heart of a sales letter.
I have a hard time seeing what to say when… But hard time doesn’t mean I can’t…
I can, probably, although I haven’t even tried in years.
I have been avoiding the unpleasant feeling about myself, the feeling that I am somehow defective.
Here it is… the tears are starting.
Yeah… the unpleasantness from the world is much easier to handle than the unpleasantness of facing the inner tiger, the idea that somehow you are not perfect, that you are somehow defective.
This was an insight. Insights are a dime a dozen.
Now, having an insight is fine and dandy… but it will make no difference unless I create a breakthrough form it first, and a new habit next.
In the workshop everyone I said that embracing how you are is the key to being able to have the rest of life to be different. Whether it is in relationships or in results; it is immaterial: if you can embrace the imperfection then you can go beyond.
So embracing says that I should be the way I am… exactly the way I am…
…and start there… dyslexic, afraid of complexity, afraid of structuring pieces… Good. That is the way I am… and I should be that way, because that is how I am.